Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
he broke off your car antennae to use as a walking stick before he smoked because he claimed to lack the facial strength needed to open his eyes when he's high
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Randomize
