i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
It hurts to hear and I can smell shapes.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
