yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Betty ford says i'm here all night
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
He called his prostate his "boner button".
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
