she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
