Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
