We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
