Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Randomize
