omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Ya can’t just go throwing accusations around about someone pooping their pants without some hard evidence
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
