I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
