I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
