even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
Randomize
