No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
