Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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