so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
