When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I am spending my child support on dildos
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Who is this?
You offered to lift up your dress at the bar so I could see your lower back tattoo
Um, I think that was a general offer to everyone. So...who IS this?
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
