She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
