well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
