the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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