Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Randomize
