your thong is hanging out like whoa
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
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