Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk