i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
These People Are The Epitome of Lazy
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Disturbing Scenes People Witnessed As Children
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital