She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
Sorry about my life...
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Randomize
