If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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