i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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