don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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