I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
he wants to bone in the snuggie
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
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