Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
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