Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
I smell stomach acid.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
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