Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
