I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
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