He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
