If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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