She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
