The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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