I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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