He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
