just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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