On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
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