The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
