I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
