She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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