Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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