I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
worst night to have a conscience
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Randomize
