I bet he comes in French.
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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