I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
