just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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