I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
