Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
