2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
she pinky promised me she was 18
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
