people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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