I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Randomize
