Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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