I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
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